First Monday Of The New Year

So now that the holidays are over and a lot of folks are heading back to work today for the first time since New Years, I gotta wonder how they do it and wonder why I can't anymore.  I'm sitting here whining to myself about having had to do some running around today and making phone calls.  The thoughts of at least two more trips out don't have me doin' cartwheels right now either.  If I had to work right now in my state of "funk", I know I would crack up. 

I wanted to come on here and talk quilting today.  I would have liked to have had a plan to do some today and maybe lay out a weeks worth of sewing time/goals for the week.  I just can't get motivated.  I think I have to have tons of time to sit down and work and it always seems to be some sort of hub bub going on and I can't muster it up in me to just seize whatever moments of time sewing that I can and let the planning go.  Then I kind of realized that letting the planning go is maybe why I am where I am at today.  If you aren't in the mood for a downer, best stop reading here maybe.

In a nutshell, I feel like I've given up.  It's like if I can't control a situation down to the wire, I just can't function like normal folks.  I think it's why I don't seize the moments.  If it's not what I had planned or wanted, it's just not worth the effort to do it in a manner in which I can't accept in my mind.  So I give up.  Looking back I've caved alot.  I'm not whining and storying when I tell you that it has been no bed of roses for either my husband or myself since childhood.  Our married life has been full of events.  But we've always picked ourselves up, dusted ourselves off and went on.  Together.  I've always been not a leader but definately a take the bull by the horns kind of girl.  Get er done type thing.  I'm not dissing my husband at all but I think I have done a lot of leading in this family and have led through some fierce times.  We've weathered some doozies that's for sure.  And I've noticed that when I give up, kinda everyone around me gives up too.  I'm not faulting anyone as I don't know if this is the way it goes or if some of my people are lacking their own motivation and have relied on me to provide it. 

I have anxiety and depression and I have never been this lowly before.  I don't want to do anything, go anywhere, etc.  But I also don't want to see my family fall apart so to speak so I find myself wanting to move forth again to that strong, dominant person I once was who fought hard for what was right and what was mine for my family.  But I can't do it.  I'm feeling desperate with the way things have gotten that if something doesn't happen soon there may be no turning back and we'll be without anything that we've fought so hard for in the past.  That would probably devastate me.  I'm in a rocky spot right now and when I see my hubs, my rock looking torn over things, it almost breaks my heart.

I've kinda shut myself off from people and things.  I hurt my back in August 2010 and I did not return to my job.  The job itself was driving me insane to begin with and then when I got hurt, I just felt like it was time for me to just stop the craziness and take some time for myself cause no matter how hard we fight, it's never enough and I thought I'm going to take myself some time be damned.  Then I got so weak from being laid up that I didn't have the energy to blow my nose this fall seems like.  This depression I have doesn't rear it's ugly head too often so bad but it is there and it's just such a sense of dread.  The anxiety is what is the worse for me.  The symptoms were getting out of control before I left my job and I just wasn't strong enough to keep enduring that everyday, day in and day out.  Now we're suffering the financial consequences and that isn't hardly enough to make me want to pounce into action and run and get a job just to pay the bills.  I'm really scared of ending up someplace I can't come back from anymore.  I'm afraid one day I'm just gonna snap and my body is gonna lower the whamie on me.

My doctor says no amount of medication or time off from things is going to change the anxiety and depression for me.  He said I needed professional help and needed to see a counselor.  There are alot of times that I believe he is right but due to the expense and the fact that I don't know what makes me this way so how would I possibly know where to start talking to someone about anything?  Then I wonder if it can get any better or worse and where I'm left at in between.  I absolutely hate having to take my medicine everyday to keep the symptoms from being full blown but I hate how it's made me numb.  I used to be a water bag and I bet I can count on one hand the number of times I cried last year.  And not bawling spree's, just tears coming to my eyes, stinging until a few eventually fall.

My ultimate dream once I had my oldest son was to be at home with him.  All my desires went out the window and I wanted to live for my children.  Unfortunately the economy and things out of our control often interuptted that dream for us.  I had times of unemployment where I just stayed home with them but when needed I worked 3 jobs at a time too.  And I still don't have enough money.  lol.  I never had the career woman urge once I became a mother.  Maybe I was wrong and should have worked full-time all those years.  Maybe we wouldn't be so poor all the time but what is money if you can't enjoy it?  I know at times it seems like I only have myself to blame for the choices I made in that regard.  I just feel like I still missed something the times I was away from them and dependant on my mother for their care alot while we worked.  I just feel like maybe everything I"ve done is wrong and I"m reaping what I've sown.  I don't know.  I originally had ideas of making some money for the household by making and selling my quilting stuff but Christmas came and went and I didn't make one Christmasey thing to even try to sell.  What the heck?  lol.  I still hold hope that a dream job will come along that I can do from home and save the day because when I'm home I am empowered and confident way more than out there in the real world.  I just need some motivation and maybe someone to cry baby to once in awhile.  If I had a job I would think it would at least pull me out of the stupor long enough to gain some momentum and once I gain some confidence in myself again, I can start addressing other issues in my life I've given up on and caved at.  And before you know it, I'll be right back on track.  Right?  Right.  Hmm.  We'll see. 

Sorry for the rant.  I admire all of you who stay so busy and participate in activities outside the home.  That's why I thought I could come here with my worries today and maybe find some uplifting, encouraging words from the real deal, the people who actually participate in their lives and are happy to do so.   So if you ever thought of a blog buddy in need, maybe think a thought of me and offer a small prayer up that I will come to my senses soon and iron this stuff out.  Til then, carry on!!  Happy Stitching.

Renee